Hiding in Plain Sight
Growing up in a home constantly in the public eye, you had to learn to always be on display. There are behavioral pros and cons you develop that parents don't fully realize until they have personally walked through this. And unfortunately, most (like myself) don't know it until much later into adulthood. If you didn't grow up on display, there isn't the bandwidth to fully grasp why a person's behavior may change in specific scenarios. Let me try and explain.
Behavior Pros:
You learn hospitality at a young age.
You learn how to throw a party/be a great hostess.
You learn how to keep public areas clean.
You learn to cook or be friends with a chef.
You learn how to be a multi-tasker.
You learn to smile and carry on no matter the chaos around you.
You learn to be a self-starter and handle anything.
You learn the best hiding places.
You learn how to be alert and on guard.
You learn always to carry a snack.
Behavior Cons:
You learn the art of manipulation.
You feel the need to be the center of attention.
You hide all flaws.
You feel the obligation to be a master of all things and just "handle it."
You learn the art of imposter syndrome.
You guard your heart and look with judgment.
You believe everyone has an agenda.
You live two separate lives.
You become overly protective and easily defensive.
You never tell anyone how broken you really are.
While I don't carry all the list in Cons, I do feel the behavior wanting to rise inside me. It has taken me years of inner healing, soul searching, and counseling sessions to understand why I act like I do. Recognizing the difference between personality traits and learned behavior has given me the power to accept who I am and what I can change. I don't have to be on stage, under the lights, or in the center. I have learned to enjoy the off-stage, dimly lit side stages. I have navigated learning the art of listening and listening without trying to multi-task. I've learned how manipulative my behavior was and have now traded that for putting others first. Opening my heart and looking at people from different perspectives has taken longer. But I still struggle with the desire to hide my flaws and keep my brokenness hidden.
Sometimes, parents will cause children to carry undue burdens and stress by nature of being in the public eye. Although my dad was an amazing man with pure intentions, he always reminded me that my behavior would affect his reputation, which had taken him years to build. This reminder caused me to learn how to be one way in public and someone completely different in private. I felt the total weight of not wanting to tarnish anyone's reputation. It led me to be secretive, not telling the whole story when asked, and manipulating situations in my favor. While there is an importance to teaching children the consequences of their behavior, they are not responsible for keeping a parent's reputation intact, nor are they responsible for how others perceive them. Teaching and modeling healthy behavior and mindsets will, in turn, reproduce the same.
Obviously, this is not a one-size-fits-all situation. There are always outliers when discussing behavior and personalities. These are things I have dealt with personally and am continuing to overcome. Some days, I am happy to move out of the way and let others do the work. Yet, there are days I know I can do the work more efficiently or with better skill and struggle not to interject myself. Everything within me screams to take it on, even if my schedule is packed. I sit on my hands with my mouth shut and breathe while praying my face is not showing my struggle. Everyone deserves the opportunity to learn, grow, and experience trying new things, just as I was able to. It's my turn to teach and watch. Those last two sentences are what I'm saying as I sit on my hands.
Changing what has already happened in the past is not an option. So I cannot put my focus or unnecessarily worry about it. What I can do is recognize those bad behavior patterns show up and pivot myself to a behavior that is healthier and more conducive to edifying others. To do that, I must give myself room to meditate, read, pray, and listen. That means I must be intentional every day and schedule time in my calendar that cannot be moved.
The challenge for you today is to give yourself time to think. Time to meditate. Time to listen. Find ways to grow. Connect with someone you trust and permit them to help you see how you can improve. I met someone who walked around with a mirror (not literal) and showed me who I was. It was hard and painful, and I hated it. Yet, I am so much better because of it. I saw all the ugly that was hiding in plain sight. If I can do it, so can you!
Until Next Time, DJ
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